So for my birthday I got many things. I got a new xbox controller (which I promptly threw in anger today at Darksiders), a GPS car mount that I needed since my old one decided that science of suction does not work in my car anymore and my Dad's cold. What's interesting about this cold is that usually you start with cold like symptoms that worsen by the third day then usually get better. No no, not this cold. This cold took each symptom, escalated them to level 10 annoyance factor for a solid two days and suddenly stopped, quickly moving on to the next symptom.. Let me explain what I like to call, the four stage cold of death.
The first stage was the sore throat which people usually bitch about being an equal to a piece of sandpaper glued to the back of ones throat. How about having each time you swallow it's like cats scraping the back side of your throat that you can feel down to your upper chest? How about the feeling that you could light a matchstick if you could stick one down your throat with ease? If I could have removed throat, I swear it could rub the callouses off my my grandma's feet it was that bad. I was popping cough drops like skittles candy and drinking so much nyquil at night that my shit turned green for the next two days. Drinking gallons of ice cold water or pinching myself in the balls to distract the pain during which I ran out of the Sam's Club bulk cough drops relieved me of such agony.
The second stage was nasal pressure and congestion. For this, I'd like for you to imagine two water slides. The ones that are in amusement parks where some are enclosed tubes that twist and turn as they reach the pool at the end. Now think about the lifeguard who has the minimum wage job of letting the little kiddies and the random overweight and hairy 40 year old down the slides. He waves the first excited chum down the slide who giggles and screams his way down. The second one goes down with the same results. However, like most lifeguards who work at an amusement park when they are 18 years old, they have no care for their job. So when a group of attractive girls start teasing him provocatively licked ice cream cones and 5th grader giggles, he nonchalantly starts waving everyone and their mom down through each tube. The first tube, which happened to be my left nostril got stuck with the equivalent of 10 fat obese kids. As for the other tube, it reminded me of the Simpson's episode where Homer got stuck and eventually had to be craned to safety and removal. It was that bad. It was the first time I actually felt glory in punching myself directly in the face as it temporarily relieved the pressure from my face.
Stage three was my favorite stage of the bunch as it allowed my voice to temporarily turn me into a white man's Barry White, Darth Vader, or one of those guys who have the smokerphone that you put up to your neck to speak...just not as robotic and cooler. Not to mention I had a cough that rivaled that of my uncles now deceased step grandma who, as legend has it, smoked a carton of hand rolled cigarettes every other day. My cough was so bad that it felt like a chestburster was coming out of me at times. It was so bad that people thought I had a megaphone turned on during a cough fit. I coughed so loud once that I think I was able to call some sort of strange animal to my front yard one night. I think my lung capacity went up so high after taking such a deep breaths from my sick mating calls that I'll probably be able to hold my breath for seven minutes underwater.
Lastly the fourth stage, my current stage, is the runny stage. If we can hark back to the second stage with my nicely detailed wet kids and Homer metaphor, the tubes have been finally cleared out by park maintenance and but these nuisances walk around the park, kicking up the flem equivalent of mud near the back of my mouth. I am able to actually taste food again which is a plus but I swear I'm coughing up flem that would rival some hairballs from cats. There are times where my nasal airways are so clear that I feel like like I'm on top of a mountain vista drinking in the crisp air. Then I will stand up or shift positions in my chair and it's like my nose took a gulp of swamp water. My hope is that the next day or two, this cold will be rid me and I can start doing sit ups at the gym without it feeling like whenever I do the actual sit "up", that my nose doesn't feel like two fingers got shoved down my nostrils.
So I hope my story inspires those to wash their hands after you pee, not touching door handles and staying a good 50 feet (if possible) for those that decide that they need to come in sick to do work...as I mistakingly did. Shucks.
The first stage was the sore throat which people usually bitch about being an equal to a piece of sandpaper glued to the back of ones throat. How about having each time you swallow it's like cats scraping the back side of your throat that you can feel down to your upper chest? How about the feeling that you could light a matchstick if you could stick one down your throat with ease? If I could have removed throat, I swear it could rub the callouses off my my grandma's feet it was that bad. I was popping cough drops like skittles candy and drinking so much nyquil at night that my shit turned green for the next two days. Drinking gallons of ice cold water or pinching myself in the balls to distract the pain during which I ran out of the Sam's Club bulk cough drops relieved me of such agony.
The second stage was nasal pressure and congestion. For this, I'd like for you to imagine two water slides. The ones that are in amusement parks where some are enclosed tubes that twist and turn as they reach the pool at the end. Now think about the lifeguard who has the minimum wage job of letting the little kiddies and the random overweight and hairy 40 year old down the slides. He waves the first excited chum down the slide who giggles and screams his way down. The second one goes down with the same results. However, like most lifeguards who work at an amusement park when they are 18 years old, they have no care for their job. So when a group of attractive girls start teasing him provocatively licked ice cream cones and 5th grader giggles, he nonchalantly starts waving everyone and their mom down through each tube. The first tube, which happened to be my left nostril got stuck with the equivalent of 10 fat obese kids. As for the other tube, it reminded me of the Simpson's episode where Homer got stuck and eventually had to be craned to safety and removal. It was that bad. It was the first time I actually felt glory in punching myself directly in the face as it temporarily relieved the pressure from my face.
Stage three was my favorite stage of the bunch as it allowed my voice to temporarily turn me into a white man's Barry White, Darth Vader, or one of those guys who have the smokerphone that you put up to your neck to speak...just not as robotic and cooler. Not to mention I had a cough that rivaled that of my uncles now deceased step grandma who, as legend has it, smoked a carton of hand rolled cigarettes every other day. My cough was so bad that it felt like a chestburster was coming out of me at times. It was so bad that people thought I had a megaphone turned on during a cough fit. I coughed so loud once that I think I was able to call some sort of strange animal to my front yard one night. I think my lung capacity went up so high after taking such a deep breaths from my sick mating calls that I'll probably be able to hold my breath for seven minutes underwater.
Lastly the fourth stage, my current stage, is the runny stage. If we can hark back to the second stage with my nicely detailed wet kids and Homer metaphor, the tubes have been finally cleared out by park maintenance and but these nuisances walk around the park, kicking up the flem equivalent of mud near the back of my mouth. I am able to actually taste food again which is a plus but I swear I'm coughing up flem that would rival some hairballs from cats. There are times where my nasal airways are so clear that I feel like like I'm on top of a mountain vista drinking in the crisp air. Then I will stand up or shift positions in my chair and it's like my nose took a gulp of swamp water. My hope is that the next day or two, this cold will be rid me and I can start doing sit ups at the gym without it feeling like whenever I do the actual sit "up", that my nose doesn't feel like two fingers got shoved down my nostrils.
So I hope my story inspires those to wash their hands after you pee, not touching door handles and staying a good 50 feet (if possible) for those that decide that they need to come in sick to do work...as I mistakingly did. Shucks.
posted by Ryan Schneider at 21:34
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